


i'm shattering (put me back together)

by Charante_Leclerc



Series: hilltop confessions [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 17:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18674293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charante_Leclerc/pseuds/Charante_Leclerc
Summary: When life keeps adding on the pressure, it isn't too long before you start to see the cracks.





	i'm shattering (put me back together)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: There are discussions of panic attacks, and ongoing depression, and graphic depictions. I've tagged it accordingly, but just in case, this is an extra note as warning.

“We should take a holiday.” Charles remarked, flipping a page of his magazine. He could feel Pierre raising an eyebrow, he didn’t need to look. “What? I’m serious.”

“I’m sure you are.” Pierre sounded amused, poking Charles with a foot. “Where do you want to go?”

Charles shrugged, flipping another page. “It’s not… it’s not about the destination. More about getting away from Monaco for a bit. We’ve been stuck in this flat for ages, I don’t know. Maybe it’d do us good. Escapism.”

“Okay.” Pierre said. Charles dropped his magazine, meeting Pierre’s gaze. “Okay, we can go on holiday.”

“I thought you might need more convincing than that.” Charles admitted, grinning. “I am going to find us somewhere so secluded no-one will find us.”

Pierre laughed, watching as Charles jumped up to grab his phone. Charles hadn’t been lying, he really didn’t care about the location. It wasn’t as if any destination was a big difficulty for them, but the privacy was the only thing he really cared about. Even in Monaco, where they would normally fly under the radar, normal life had been proving difficult. It’d been calming down, but it was still hard to even walk down the street. Especially with the rumour that Red Bull and Pierre weren’t working well together. Which was obviously true, but Christian didn’t have a problem going to the shops now, did he?

“How about Switzerland?” Charles asked suddenly. He looked at Pierre with a pleading face. “Please?”

“Why Switzerland?”

“Seb manages to live pretty privately. I can ask him if there’s anywhere he can think of for us to stay. No-one will think to find us there.” Charles batted his eyes. “Please? Pretty please?”

Pierre nodded, laughing. “I guess we can go and hide in the mountains.”

Charles gave Pierre a kiss, smiling into it. “You’re the best.”

“You’re the best.” Pierre countered. Charles shrugged, turning to his phone, already texting Seb.

“Maybe we’re both the best.” Charles teased. “I cannot wait to get out of this apartment.”

“And you’ve only just moved in, should I be worried?” Pierre sighed, laughing when Charles swatted him lightly. “Alright, alright, go plan your holiday.”

“It’s going to be the best hideaway you’ve ever seen.” Charles replied smugly. “Just you wait.”

 

~*~

 

Charles hated this, hated having to face the media when it was the last thing he wanted to do. How many times did he have to tell them the exact same thing? He’d fucked up, he’d binned it in the wall, it was so _stupid_ . It wasn’t even a rookie mistake, and he just wanted to scream, and shout, and _not be here_. But that professional mask had to stay on, and everyone was waiting for one wrong move to jump, to go for his jugular. This was an unforgiving sport, you were supposed to stay apart, so when you inevitably crashed and burned you didn’t drag anyone else down with you. He’d let everyone get to close, he’d craved the contact and accepted it, and now everyone was going to see him as the failure he was. A pretender. He wouldn’t blame them. He couldn’t bare to look at himself, how could he ask anyone else to?

“Charles.” He could hear Pierre next to him, a gentle hand on his arm. Charles gave a pale smile at the reporter, turning to look at Pierre.

“I’m okay.” He said quietly, shaking his head when Pierre opened his mouth. “Please. I’m okay.”

Pierre didn’t look happy, and it was all Charles could do not to flinch. Of course Pierre was angry as well. He shouldn’t really be surprised.

He carried on his interviews the best he could, feeling shaky. He probably looked awful, too pale, but he just wanted to hide and all things considered, the way he looked wasn’t high on his priorities. He ducked out of the media paddock as quickly as possible, putting on his sunglasses and letting out a shallow breath. He just had to get to the motorhome, or his RV. Somewhere that wasn’t here.

“Charles!” He could hear Pierre behind him, but if he had to see the anger in his eyes again he might break. He ignored him, as much as he wanted to just stop and burrow into Pierre. But he wasn’t wanted, he needed to cut himself off. He was better of alone. They were better off without him.

He made it to the motorhome without much resistance, just a few photographers trying to get the golden shot, seeing who could make him crack. He wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction. He walked through quickly, not stopping, until he was in his room, sinking down onto the sofa in a daze. How could he have let this happen? He didn’t even feel upset, he just felt _hollow_.

He didn’t remember when he started to cry, but suddenly he couldn’t stop, he was shaking and couldn’t breathe. There were strong arms around him, soothing words. Someone petting his hair. _Breathe. Breathe._ He couldn’t breathe, the air wouldn’t come. He was gasping, choking. The strong arms never disappeared, the calm voice telling him to breathe. Someone was holding his hands, squeezing tight. He blinked through the tears, and Pierre was sat in front of him, his mouth forming words he couldn’t quite make out. Pierre was holding his hands, and Charles was holding on, bone white and bruising.

“Deep breath in, hold, and out.” He could finally hear what Pierre was saying, and he tried to copy, taking a few attempts to get it right. “That’s great, well done. In, hold, and out. You’re doing so well.”

“I… I…” Charles started, before coughing. Pierre shushed him, scooting round so he could press a soft kiss to his head.

“Don’t talk.” Pierre said softly. The arms that were holding him from behind relaxing, and Charles turned to see Seb sitting beside him, looking concerned. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“I’ll make sure the team knows you’re not up to anything else today.” Seb said quietly. “Take all the time you need.”

Charles nodded weakly, sagging against Pierre. Seb stood and left the room, gently shutting the door. They sat in the quiet for a while, Pierre holding him, saying soothing words. Charles shut his eyes, letting the tears fall again, slowly this time. Pierre pushed his hair away from his forehead, and Pierre’s cool hands felt good against his warm head. He couldn’t think, he felt clammy.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” Pierre said, pressing another kiss to his head. “You never have to apologise.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with me.” Charles whispered. “I’m not worth it.”

“You are.” Pierre sounded confident, how could he sound confident? “You are the best of me Charles, whether you believe it or not. I don’t have to deal with you, you’re not a piece of furniture. You’re a person, and I love you, for all your flaws and all your virtues.”

“I don’t think there’s much of me left to love.” Charles said, gripping on tightly to Pierre. “I’m breaking apart.”

“Then we’ll put you back together.” Pierre promised. “I’m never going to let you go, even if you think there’s nothing of you left. As long as I’m holding on, you hold onto me.”

Charles nodded, letting out a shaky breath, pressing his face into Pierre’s neck. He still couldn’t quite believe Pierre, but it was a small light to hold onto, however fragile.

 

~*~

 

Charles shifted under the blanket, trying to ignore the noise of his phone ringing. Pierre had been answering for him, unless it was really urgent, but Pierre wasn’t here. The chime of the phone pierced through the silence, cutting through the white noise in his head. He pulled the blanket over him, closing his eyes, hoping that whoever would call him would give up, and he could go back to not thinking. He just wanted to switch off, let everything wash over him. Pierre was trying to get him to go outside, even if just for a walk, but everything just felt too much.

The phone fell silent, and Charles gave a sigh of relief. He’d ask Pierre to check it. He could hear the front door shutting quietly, Pierre walking in. Charles knew Pierre was worried about him, but they hadn’t talked about it. About the panic attack, about how he was feeling now. He probably needed to, and he knew that he should be doing something, but it just didn’t really seem important. If he had to talk about it then he might actually start feeling, and the emptiness inside was almost comforting.

“Hey.” Pierre said softly, sitting in front of him. “I’m going to go and pack our bags, okay? We’re going on that holiday you wanted.”

Charles shook his head. “No, no, I want to stay here.”

“Just a few days.” Pierre said soothingly, brushing his hair away from his face. “We’ll go straight to Silverstone from there.”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s all settled.” Pierre smiled. “A change of scenery will help.” Pierre stood up, pressing a small kiss to Charles’s head. “I love you.”

Charles stayed silent, listening to Pierre walk to the bedroom, pulling drawers open, the zip of bags being opened. He didn’t want to go anywhere, he wanted to stay here. He didn’t have to pretend here, he didn’t think he could face putting on a mask, pretending that everything was okay. Especially not for strangers who felt like they had a right to invade his life. He was safe _here_.

“Time to go.” Pierre walked back in, grabbing Charles’s phone. “You don’t even have to change, there’s a car outside.”

“Pierre.” Charles muttered, finally looking at his boyfriend. “I don’t want to go.”

“You don’t have a choice.” Pierre said, giving him a careful smile. “I promise, this will do you good.” Pierre held out his hand, and Charles just gave up, letting himself be pulled up. He wasn’t in the mood to fight, and Pierre was not someone to be dissuaded from something once he’d set his mind on it. He shoved his hands into his sweats, picking up his sunglasses on the way past. Pierre had grabbed both bags, shouldering both as he locked the door.

“Where are we going?” Charles asked, putting his sunglasses on. Pierre looked a little shocked, and he wasn’t exactly surprised, he hadn’t been chatty over the last couple of days. It was probably the first question he’d asked since they’d left Austria.

“It’s a surprise.” Pierre answered. “But it’s a hideaway. In the mountains.”

Charles nodded, falling silent again. Pierre didn’t push him, and Charles was thankful for that. There were no waiting reporters outside, no-one to see him at his absolute worst. He sat back in the car, watching the streets fly past outside, blurring into each other. They were taking the familiar route to the airport, he would’ve been able to figure that out with eyes closed. A left, two rights, speeding up… it calmed him, thinking about what was next, pretending that he was in the driving seat, how much to speed up, when to brake.

They pulled up outside, Pierre grabbing the bags again. Charles blinked at the plane waiting for them, watching Pierre had their passports over. “Whose plane is that?”

“Um, Seb. He loaned it to us.” Pierre answered. “ _Merci_.”

“Seb lent us a plane?” Charles frowned. “Why?”

Pierre shrugged, climbing up the steps. “You’ll have to ask him the next time you see him.”

Charles sighed, collapsing onto a seat. He had to admit, it was a great plane. He hadn’t actually known that Seb had a plane, but it made sense. He had to get around somehow, he didn’t just pop out of thin air. He’d just assumed he drove everywhere, or went first class.

Pierre looked a little giddy, fiddling with all the settings he could find, giving a small whoop as he found the television. Charles gave a small smile, curling up. He could almost get caught up in Pierre’s enthusiasm, he wanted to. He pulled his hood up, burrowing down into his hoodie, just watching. Maybe it was a start.

 

~*~

 

Seb was waiting for them on the other end, leaning up against a car. Charles frowned, looking at Pierre. Pierre gave a slightly ashamed smile.

“You said it yourself, he lives pretty privately. And I think having other people around will be helpful.” Pierre explained. “He offered himself, I didn’t ask.”

Charles nodded sharply, trying to smile at Seb when they approached. Seb didn’t say anything, taking the bags from Pierre, dumping them in the boot of the car. Pierre raised an eyebrow, sliding into the back. “I was expecting a Ferrari to be honest.” Pierre said, laughing when he saw Seb’s face.

“When Ferrari start making family-friendly cars, then I’ll start driving one every day.” Seb rolled his eyes. “Where were you both going to sit, on top?”

Pierre’s ears when red, biting his lip. Seb shook his head, driving off. Charles kept his eyes on the scenery, focusing on the mountains cutting into the sky. He could hear Pierre and Seb talking quietly, but he didn’t focus on what they were saying, just letting their familiar voices comfort him. They sped through the green, twisting and turning, and this was somewhere he could lose himself, to wander and leave the world behind.

They turned onto a hidden road, the trees overhanging, sunlight barely flickering through. Seb laughed, seeing the looks of his two passengers. “It’s completely hidden from view, unmarked road. You have to look for it.”

“When you said it was secure…” Pierre trailed off, letting out a long breath of air. “Wow.”

The trees ended suddenly, and a house rose out the hills, and Charles had never seen anything that fitted more perfectly. It was something out of a fairytale. The door opened as the pulled to a stop, and a young boy ran out. Seb hugged the child to him, lifting him up to carry him. “Have you been good for Papa?”

The boy nodded, looking interestedly at Charles and Pierre. Charles felt awkward and out of place suddenly, like he’d torn into Seb’s life, trying to carve himself into a picture that didn’t exist. Seb looked so relaxed here, more than he’d ever looked at a track or at Maranello. Charles started slightly as Pierre gripped his hand, giving him an encouraging smile. Charles squeezed back, violently hoping that he wasn’t the only one that felt like he was in the wrong setting.

“Charles, Pierre, this is Lukas.” Seb introduced him proudly, Lukas giving a little wave. “He’s just turned three, and he’s just like me at that age apparently, so expect lots of questions.”

“Ferrari?” Lukas asked, looking at Charles. Charles gave a nod, and what he hoped was a comforting smile.

“Yes, I work with your…” Charles trailed off, looking at Seb. “Um, daddy?”

Seb nodded, motioning to Pierre and Charles to follow him. “The guest room is made up, there’s nowhere out of bounds. Your room has a bathroom, and help yourself to food as you want, or you can eat with us. Up to you.” Seb set Lukas down, giving him a quick kiss. “Can you go and find Papa?”

Lukas nodded, running off. Seb turned to them. “You can stay as long as you want. However long you feel comfortable. I don’t want you to feel like a stranger here.”

Charles nodded, biting his lip to try and stop the tears building. He hadn’t spoken to Seb since Austria, but he hadn’t forgotten how Seb had helped him during the panic attack, and when to leave him alone. “Thanks.” Charles mumbled, fiddling with his sunglasses. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem.” Seb said sincerely. “Do you want to see your room?”

Charles nodded, gripping onto Pierre as Seb led them upstairs. Pierre rubbed circles into his hand, grounding him. They followed Seb through the house, wandering into a large room, both gaping when Seb set the bags down. “Is this the _guest room_?” Pierre asked, his voice a little high. Seb chuckled.

“Yep. Like I said, bathroom through there.” He pointed at a door. “Make yourselves at home.”

“Lukas said you sent for me?” A voice sounded in the doorway, and Charles felt his mouth drop open. Jenson walked in, carrying Lukas the same way Seb just had, heading over to Seb with a smile. Seb nodded, wrapping an arm around Jenson’s waist. “Hi Charles. Pierre. It’s nice to have you both here.”

Charles felt himself nod dumbly, not trusting himself to speak. He’d known Seb’s partner was another driver, but _Jenson_? As in _Jenson Button_? He kept on looking inbetween both of them, trying to process the information. Seb grinned, steering Jenson and Lukas towards the door.

“We’ll let you settle in.” Seb said, closing the door with a smirk. Charles sat down on the bed hard, still not sure if he was actually awake or not. It had to be a dream, surely? He was asleep in the car, maybe he was still in Monaco.

Pierre started laughing hysterically next to him, shaking. “Holy shit. _Jenson Button_.” He got out between laughs, putting his head in his hands. “ _Holy shit_.”

“Pinch me, I’m dreaming.” Charles said, dazed. “That did not just happen.”

“It happened!” Seb called from the other side of the door. Pierre dissolved into more giggles, falling back onto the bed.

 “ _Holy shit_.”

 

~*~

 

Life felt so excluded in this house, like they’d been trapped in time. Monaco was so fast paced, and usually he loved that. He loved living fast, reckless. It made him feel alive. He just hadn’t noticed how suffocating it was, how fake it could be. You had to achieve to fit in there, and that life was fragile, glass thin and so easy to shatter.

Switzerland, in this sanctuary of sorts, it was peaceful. There was no-one looking in, waiting with bated breath to watch you crack under their gaze. The trees whispered amongst themselves, taking no care of the people living with them. He was unnoticeable, for the first time in years, and it was a breath of new life. His defences came tumbling down, and he could rebuild them in peace.

Pierre didn’t hover, and he didn’t ask, and Charles was thankful for that. He wasn’t even sure if he could explain it. How can you make anyone understand it was like he’d been torn apart, the fraying edges untangling faster and faster until there was nothing of you left? That there wasn’t a grand explosion, but that he’d faded like smoke, walking around as a ghost of himself. That anything left of himself was locked away, so deep down that the screaming was nothing more than a whisper?

He sat on the grass, watching the birds in the trees chirping and singing between themselves, flying from branch to branch, as graceful as dancers. Out here, there was always background noise - the water, the trees, the birds. Nothing was ever still, but more sedate. He could breathe here, he could be _himself_. For the first time in so many years, he felt untethered.

“Mind if I sit?” Seb walked up towards him, waiting to sit until Charles shook his head. “Enjoying the outside?”

“It’s beautiful.” Charles said. “Peaceful. I can think.”

“Monaco has it’s good spots, but it’s always been too hectic for me.” Seb shrugged. “After the races, when you’re going so fast, there’s so much to do, it’s good to step back.”

Charles nodded. He played with the edge of his jumper, trying to find the words. “How do you… how do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Continue.” Charles sighed. “How do you just keep going? I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff all the time, and someone’s just waiting to give me a push the minute I make a wrong move.”

“It’s not easy.” Seb said quietly. “There were so many times I just wanted to give up. I had more than myself to consider, and maybe it was asking too much to stay. But if you want it, you have to hold on.”

“Even if it causes more pain?” Charles pushed a shaking hand through his hair. “What if I lose everything? Everyone?”

“That’s up to you.” Seb said simply. “The life we have, it’s a tightrope. If you don’t focus enough, you fall. If you focus too much, if you become fanatical, you fall. But no-one is leaving until you tell them to Charles. Pierre… I think he’d have to be dragged away. Some people prefer the loneliness, and pretend that it makes them stronger. It doesn’t, it makes them dangerous. You need people to keep you human.”

“What if Ferrari decide that human doesn’t fit into their plan?”

“Then you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and you continue. You have more to live for that one team. We’ve chosen a life that ends when we’re still young. You need to make sure that you can carry on living after.”

Charles nodded, leaning in when Seb gave him a quick hug. “What did it almost cost you? This life?”

“It almost cost me everything.” Seb admitted. “And I’ll never let it take that from me.”

They sat there in silence, listening to the birds continue about their day, their song added to by happy cries from inside the house, to the world slowly waking up around them.

 

~*~

 

“ _You doing okay mate_?” Dan asked from the other end of the phone, crackling slightly. Charles smiled, small but there.

“Yeah. Or better. I’m doing better.” Charles said, finally feeling comfortable in doing so. “It’s nice to be cut off for a while.”

“ _I get that. Good to get out of that goddamn hellhole_.” Dan said cheerily. “ _I love it here, but everyone needs a break sometimes_.”

“Pretty much.” Charles sighed. “I kinda don’t want to leave. Might need to find a house up the road.”

“ _And leave me?”_ Dan sounded wounded. “ _I thought we were friends_.”

“My love can be bought by secluded houses it seems.” Charles joked, laughing. “Show me one in Monaco and then you’ve gotten me.”

“ _I’ll start searching now!_ ” Dan said indignantly. “ _I’m not losing the only decent company I have here_.” Dan fell silent, and there was incomprehensible shouting in the background. _“Obviously that didn’t include you! I live with you!_ ” He was quiet again, obviously listening to whatever Jev was telling him. “ _Okay, okay, the only decent company I have except my amazing, beautiful, talented husband. Is that better_?” There was a muffled ‘ _yes’_ before Dan laughed. “ _Did you hear that?”_

“I don’t actually think you ever took the phone away from your mouth.” Charles laughed. “Heard it all.”

“ _Oops_.” Dan said, without sounding remotely sorry. “ _Honestly, I’m glad you’re feeling better. You’re scared us a little there, mate_.”

"I know.” Charles said quietly. “I’m sorry, I’m not going to let it get like that again.”

 _"No need to apologise. You have so many people to talk to, and we’re happy to listen, okay? We’re not going anyway.”_  

Charles nodded, brushing away a tear. “Got it. Thank you.”

_"No problem, mate. I have to go, but if you need to talk about anything, even if it’s just ‘wow, I saw an odd shaped cloud’, just let me know.”_

Charles laughed, sniffling a little. “Will do. See you around.”

 _"Talk later.”_ Dan hung up, and Charles was left, looking at his phone with a soft smile. Hearing Dan’s voice had been comforting, like wrapping himself up in a warm blanket. Seb and Pierre were here, but knowing that even people hundreds of miles away were there for him, it was a nice feeling.

“Hey.” Pierre sat down opposite him, smiling. “Dan okay?”

Yeah, he’s good.” Charles reached over, grabbing Pierre’s hand. “Thank you.”

“What for?” Pierre frowned. Charles shrugged.

“Everything, I guess. I’m not sure what kind of state I’d be in now without you.” Charles admitted. “I don’t think I can ever repay you.”

“Good thing I’m not looking for repayment.” Pierre said easily, but Charles didn’t miss the concerned eyes. He’d given Pierre a shock, he knew that. It was going to take a while to get back to normal, if it ever did. He’d been there for Pierre during the low points for him, and he’d do it all again in a heartbeat. If Pierre felt anything like the same, then he’d always be there, waiting to catch him the minute he fell.

“I still want to thank you though.” Charles mumbled. Pierre laughed, squeezing Charles’s hand.

“Thank me by still being here.” Was all he said, smiling when Charles blushed. “Having you is all the thanks I need.”

 

~*~

 

“You’re always welcome back.” Jenson grinned, shifting Lukas onto his hip. “And I’m sure Lukas would enjoy having more people to play with.”

“We’re going to miss playing with him.” Pierre laughed, ruffling Lukas’s hair. “I’ll find your super secret hiding space next time, little man.”

“It’s secret.” Lukas nodded, looking serious. Pierre nodded back, looking solemn.

“Super secret.”

“Thank you for having us.” Charles said to Jenson. “It’s been really good.”

Jenson smiled, putting his hand out to shake Charles’s hand. Charles took it, giving it a firm shake. “I mean it, don’t be a stranger. It’s nice to have people.”

Seb muttered something from behind Jenson, and Charles watched as Jenson rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “I know, I know, privacy is good.”

“Privacy _is_ good.” Seb mumbled, leaning into to give Lukas a kiss. “I’ll talk to you both tonight.”

“We’ll be waiting.” Jenson said lowly, giving Seb a soft kiss. “Be safe.”

“Always. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Charles watched as they sped away from the house, listening to Lukas shouting ‘ _bye daddy! bye!’_ as they disappeared down the drive. He felt like he was escaping from a paradise, but the terror that might have presented a week ago didn’t come. The last week had been as close to perfect as he could’ve wished for. He’d been allowed to heal at his pace, piecing himself back together, one fragment at a time. He looked over at Pierre, a tender look on his face. He didn’t deserve someone as loyal as Pierre, but he’d tried to prove himself worthy. And he’d always feel like he needed to repay Pierre in someway, but his boyfriend was right. They were in this together, and relationships weren’t built on tallying, trying to prove which one was doing the better job. They needed to walk through this together, holding each other so when one of them slipped, the other was there to pull them to their feet.

“What are you thinking about?” Pierre whispered, catching sight of Charles watching him. Charles smiled, leaning over to give Pierre a kiss.

“How lucky I am.” Was all Charles said, grinning when he saw Pierre blush. “It’s true.”

“My god, it’s like having teenagers in the back.” Seb groaned, laughing when they both jumped a little. “What did I do to deserve this?”

 

~*~

 

Charles could feel the blood pounding in his ears, his breath sharp and shallow. _One foot in front of the other. Left, right. Left, right_.

The air was still chilly, the last bits of mist clearing from the grass, the sun trying to break through the trees. The world was still, silent except for him. His footsteps echoed, a constant beat against the melody of his heart. He could slow his mind out here, remind himself to slow down, to take a second to just look.

He’d left Pierre in bed, struggling to leave the warm comfort that was provided, but the itch under his skin had proved too much to handle, just lying there. He’d been running on pure electricity for the last few days, throwing himself back into this world like he’d never stopped running with it. It wasn’t that he wanted to forget the last week, far from it. But he didn’t want to dwell, to be caught sleeping and not be able to catch up. He knew that there were people watching him, careful to look for any cracks. Some people however wanted to fill those cracks in, others wanted to deepen them.

He ran back to the line of RV’s, looking out for anyone else on an early morning run, but it seemed that even racing drivers balked at the idea of being up before the sun had risen. He headed towards his RV, eager to fall back into bed, even just for a little while. Race day was always hectic, always started early, but maybe he could carve just a little time out for himself. He let himself in quietly, smiling when he saw Pierre in exactly the same position he’d been in when he’d left. He pulled off his shirt and shorts, replacing them with soft sweats, climbing gratefully back into the bed. Pierre moved unconsciously towards him, humming a little in his sleep. Charles smiled again, pressing a gentle kiss to Pierre’s forehead, letting his eyes fall shut. At least there would always be one person there to pick him up when he fell.

 

~*~

 

It was a relief when he found himself done with interviews, ready to wash off the sweat from his skin. The race hadn’t been great, but they’d come into the race knowing and expecting to be on the back foot to Mercedes at this track. It proved inevitable that the silver arrows had blown them out of the water, streaking off into the distance and claiming their deserved 1-2, to the delight of the home crowd. He’d console himself with fifth, and points were points, they were always needed for the team.

He was walking back to the motorhome, eager to change out of his race overalls and feeling lighter than he’d done all weekend. He’d done his best, he was satisfied with that. In the quick conversation he’d had with Pierre, in the walk between the scales and the interview paddock, Pierre felt the same, getting the most out of the indisputably slower car was all that they could’ve hoped for. It’d been no disaster, but no triumph either.

“You’re weak.” He heard the words hissed, gleeful. “And so is he.”

Charles looked around, frowning. The voice didn’t sound close, but it sounded strong. Vehement enough for the words to carry. There were shadows inbetween of the motorhomes, one pressed up against the wall.

He started to move towards the shadows, anger starting to fuel him. He’d never been one to stand down from a fight, and cutting words hurt worse than a physical scar. He started to open his mouth, but the faces of the people froze him.

Esteban had Pierre locked in against the wall, smirking at the obvious anger and fear on Pierre’s face. Everyone knew that the two of them didn’t get on well, but they’d all put it down to clashing personalities and moved on. They didn’t all need to be friends in this sport, and as long as they played nice on the track, no-one cared. But this fight sounded personal, and it sounded like it was about _him_. If this had happened a few days ago, he knew that his heart would be in his mouth, that he’d be frozen to the spot. But the panic he was expecting never came, but a rush of anger did instead, burning up from the inside of him.

“Is he going to cry? Does he think that if he sobs like a baby they’ll let him win?” Esteban gave a snort. “He’s pathetic. And you are too. Hanging around with him, like you’d never had better offers. What could he possibly offer you?”

“Fuck off.” Pierre spat. Esteban frowned, letting anger cloud his face.

“I’m giving you a second chance, Pierre.” Esteban said, tightly. “Don’t waste it.”

“I think he told you to fuck off.” Charles said tightly, walking up to the two. “That’s _my_ second chance.”

Esteban jumped, eyes widening in shock before narrowing again. He sneered, looking between Charles and Pierre, before shaking his head. “Whatever.” Esteban muttered, walking off and around the corner, looking like nothing had happened. Charles grimaced, turning towards Pierre.

“Are you okay?”

Pierre nodded stiffly, hugging his arms around himself. “He would’ve gone eventually.”

“He should’ve gone the moment you told him to.” Charles said, voice sharp. “He shouldn’t have stayed.”

“You’re angry at him?” Pierre stared at him, looking a little shocked. “You’re not even concerned about why he was here?”

“No.” Charles sighed, leaning up against the wall next to Pierre. “I can put it together, but it’s not my business unless you’re ready to tell me. And I don’t need to know anything more to know he has a nasty streak. I trust you with my life Pierre, and you’ve proved that to me over and over again.”

Something in Pierre relaxed, and he rested his head on Charles’s shoulder, exhaling. “He just… winds me up. He wants the reaction.”

“So never give it to him.” Charles whispered, pulling Pierre in for a hug. “It can be our petty victory.”

Pierre laughed, muffled against Charles. “You’re a little evil.”

“Only a little.” Charles agreed, grinning. “Now, I really want a shower. Want to join?”

“That is a tempting offer.” Pierre hummed. “How could I resist?”

 

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I appreciate it! I do want to take this A/N to remind anyone who needs it that there is support out there for the mental health issues discussed in this work. Anxiety and depression are just two of many mental health issues, and I picked them because of this, and I also have huge personal experience to work with to make it as real as possible. The way that they are described is off my own personal experience, but not everyone experiences them the same way, this is just one version. If you or anyone you know are struggling with their mental health, there are support systems in place to help. Local doctors/GPs are always a good place to start, and there are so many charities out there to help. For the UK, Mind is a great charity, they have huge amounts of information and are there to help 24/7. They also have a worldwide directory, so if you're non-UK based, they can help to point you in the right direction. I can also not stress this next part enough, but if you can talk to someone. I know the easiest thing to do is to shut yourself away, and I've lived through it enough to know it is not the best thing to do, from bad days myself to watching loved ones shut themselves away. There are so many people out there willing and ready to listen, myself included. If you're a friend or a stranger, I'm more than happy to listen, and so are many people out there. ❤️
> 
> Thank you again for reading, and as always, crossposted to my tumblr (charanteleclerc).


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